First Days

                First days are always difficult for me. I never know what to do, where to go, or even where I am going. This week I started, very late I know, volunteering! I went to St. John’s Kitchen. Here’s a little recap of how it all went:

12:05am – Calling my friend.

Them: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi.”

Them: “What’s up?”
Me: “I’m nervous.”
Them: “About?”

Me: “What if I go there and I didn’t dress the right way and then everyone gangs up on me and then I end up freaking out, which only makes the planet spin on its axis faster, making the days go by quicker, which causes global warming to occur faster, which ends up killing everyone that I was trying to help in the first place, and me!” (This was said very quickly)

Them: “...”

Me: “...”

Them: “You’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

Me: “But I’ve always been a little scared of homeless people.”

*This is where Joanne’s voice chirped in my head reminding me that everyone is human.*

Me: “You know what! Tomorrow I am going to go in and be the best volunteer there! And I will smile at everyone and treat them like people!”

Ok so now to explain this skit out a little bit. I grew up in Mississauga, a land where there really aren’t that many homeless people. Growing up close to Toronto means that I have seen them but usually when I go to the city for the day. I was taught by society well: keep your eyes ahead of you, don’t look, pretend it isn’t there. We do not treat these people as humans but rather we don’t think about their existence and we continue on to whatever we were going to do in our lives. I know this is wrong but it has been taught to me so well that breaking out of that cycle can be difficult. In our class we read many different books on a wide variety of subjects. One of the subjects regards treating people as human. For this subject we read Jean Vanier’s Becoming Human. While this book does tie in well with what I was experiencing the book did not touch me like it did others. One of the books that has taught me so much about humanity and what it means to be human is Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie. This book always helps be when I feel scared or when I feel like I need a reminder of what human feels like. In this book there is a main character that is dying and he frequently speaks about what it is like to be human. The important message to relate to in all of this is that these people are human just like me. I should not be scared of them because there is a chance that I could one day be in their shoes (especially with all the school bills). So I went to sleep with all of these rolling around in my head.

                I get so nervous before first days that I can never sleep. I constantly wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I have insane dreams where the whole world ends because of what I am doing. Who would not be nervous when their subconscious tells them that I would be the cause of 1.6 billion people’s suffering?!? So nerves in check I left the house the next morning and headed out to the bus stop. I got the bus and headed down to Kitchener. I ended up wandering around Kitchener wondering where this place could be. I ended up calling a friend to Google map for me. The entire time I was wondering around I kept thinking “In Uganda I won’t have a dial-a-friend option. I will not be travelling around with a GPS.” It scared me a lot. I am so reliant on technology. I love it, I Google map everything. I even use street view now so I know what I should be passing. Well I eventually got to my final destination. I went inside and I found someone wearing an apron and nervously said “Ummm...I’m the new volunteer?” I was so nervous! I didn’t know where to look or what to do. I felt so uncomfortable the entire time. I was asked to sort the lettuce and the entire time I was so nervous. What if I screw up? What if I am not good enough?! These thoughts always go through my head on the first day. I get so incredibly nervous. So I tried to be extra careful. I worked for an hour and a half and I was so relieved to know that other Beyond Borders students were there. Cat and Lara showed up! I felt a lot more relieved. The rest of the day went by without that much excitement. When I was giving out food I smiled at everyone and said hello. I made a point to be friendly with everyone I met. With all of this said and done I will still very quiet. Even the head of the kitchen noticed and asked if I was really that quiet.

When it was time for my break I sat by myself in the corner and read the paper. I enjoy being by myself and I tend to like to find a quiet safe corner to go to. That is exactly what I did. This made me start to think of Uganda as well. Will I seek out solidarity there as well? Will I want to find my safe space? What if I withdraw during my culture shock and never come out of that safe corner? I tend to want to go to my safe space when I am uncomfortable or scared. I need to start to extend further out and push myself to not withdraw the way that I am so accustomed to. Anyways by the end of the day it was long but insightful.

Last update! (This is a long post I know) The AEF and the Band Night! Today Olivia, Raquel and I went up in front of the AEF board and pleaded why we thought we should be granted funding. We luckily were not given a tough time with questions, as the previous students did with the AEF. We spoke and answered questions within the time that we were allowed. They seemed to be willing to grant us the extra $250 for the sound technician for our band night. We also told them that if we have more than 100 people coming to the event that we would require further funding. Everything seemed to go well though (knocks on wood) and hopefully we’ll hear something back from them shortly. The Band Night (Music with a Mission II) seems to be planned well right now. We are meeting on Monday to discuss the event further and hopefully we will be able to see many people out to the event! If you would like a ticket message me in the comment section and I will be able to meet with you to sell the tickets. Thank-you for making it through this long post!

Jacquelyn